If we skip [step five], we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they got drunk. — The Big Book
It was 1988, I had struggled with two issues when it came to recovery. The concept of spirituality and the Fifth Step.
On the topic of spirituality I was an extremely angry person full of pride and ego. I believed in God but at the same time I did not. I was confused and angry, I asked questions such as, if God existed then why all the suffering in the world? But, I was hurting so much on the inside that I believed I needed to simply stop asking the wrong questions and begin accepting the concept that God “could and would” if I simply allowed Him to do so.
When it came to the Fifth Step however, I was so afraid of considering this principle. In my past if I told the truth about me it always came back to haunt me. I would do anything but tell the truth about my past! One day in a Fifth Step meeting I was deep in thought and excused myself to the mens room. As I walked out my sponsor was at the door. He said, “what is troubling you”? I replied, “nothing, I had to pee”, he immediately said, “don’t bullshit me what is going on”? I stood and looked at him for a while and finally said, “George, this is the only thing I will not do, I will not do the fifth step! Every time I have told anyone in the past about me it has turned around to hurt me”.
I remember it like it was yesterday, George looked me in the eye and said, “what is the worst thing you have ever done in your life”? I stood there shocked thinking “did this guy hear me”? He kept looking at me for what seemed like an eternity and once again said, “come on Danny, what is the worst thing you have ever done? This is your life”! I do not know why, but I blurted it out to him. He smiled and said, “damn we have all been there”, he then told me what he had done equally as crazy.
Honestly, I felt like the weight of the world came off my shoulders. I felt a part of life, I felt a part of recovery and quite frankly in hindsight it was the turning point in my life. Today I am blessed by that simple act of faith in my sponsor and the program. Today I believe I am free of addiction due to taking action on step five! Life is good!
Go, Go, Go…